He dines upon the bile of fun,
and begs salvation from his nearest son.
The slow death envelopes his only soul,
and threatens to take all control.
Desperate attempts to gain his freedom,
he calls for his family to need him.
The cold empty prick of the needle stops,
the chaos and pain of the world it unlocks.
The fire of the vile drink,
the family which will sever the link.
The key to his life's lamp, dim,
is the rest he must find in Him.
PMC
Monday, December 07, 2009
What Would You Have Me Write
What would you have me write today?
And what, if anything, would you like it to say?
Would it be of love, sorrow, anger or war?
Would it even satisfy your hunger for more?
Will dark accounts of my angry past,
gratify your longing for my mind, last?
Or will you desire to hear my prose even more,
after your immersion into their meaning’s lore?
I write of love’s pain, and of sorrow’s joy,
you play with my mind as if they were a toy.
NO! I’ll write of the journey’s end,
when all relationships must begin to mend.
PMC
And what, if anything, would you like it to say?
Would it be of love, sorrow, anger or war?
Would it even satisfy your hunger for more?
Will dark accounts of my angry past,
gratify your longing for my mind, last?
Or will you desire to hear my prose even more,
after your immersion into their meaning’s lore?
I write of love’s pain, and of sorrow’s joy,
you play with my mind as if they were a toy.
NO! I’ll write of the journey’s end,
when all relationships must begin to mend.
PMC
Friday, December 04, 2009
I Wanted to Write You a Letter
I wanted to write you a letter, but I forget the day I tried to do it.
I wanted to tell you all the things you have missed, but I'm afraid you may have already knew it.
Of the birth of my boys, the daughter who's finally on her way!
Of the wife who's heart is full of joy for a moment, and sorrow the rest of the day.
Of all the little successes at work and at school.
And of course the family's battle with the flu.
Of busy nights going to school, or church or taking Jon to boy scouts.
Of dirty diapers, kids throwing up, and teething bouts.
I wanted to tell you all the things you have missed, but I'm afraid you may have already knew it.
Of the birth of my boys, the daughter who's finally on her way!
Of the wife who's heart is full of joy for a moment, and sorrow the rest of the day.
Of all the little successes at work and at school.
And of course the family's battle with the flu.
Of busy nights going to school, or church or taking Jon to boy scouts.
Of dirty diapers, kids throwing up, and teething bouts.
I wanted to write you a letter to tell you who He is, and how he's made life better.
I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn't finish the letter.
Of the times I was in trouble, yet He's given me so many chances.
Of the beauty He has substituted for all the ashes.
Of the shoulder's He's given to me, to cry,
And the strength enough to say so many good-byes.
Of the joy I find when I think of you,
Of the sorrow, for which, I want to say adieu
I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn't finish the letter.
Of the times I was in trouble, yet He's given me so many chances.
Of the beauty He has substituted for all the ashes.
Of the shoulder's He's given to me, to cry,
And the strength enough to say so many good-byes.
Of the joy I find when I think of you,
Of the sorrow, for which, I want to say adieu
I wanted to write you a letter, and share with you what is above.
I wanted to tell you this,with all my love.
Of the peace I come to know,
Of the brothers for whom I owe.
Of the love we experience, and the boys we raise,
And especially the joy they bring at holidays.
Of all the grief, and pain I've felt since you left, sadly
Of the Lily given to me, while I was in my valley.
I wanted to tell you this,with all my love.
Of the peace I come to know,
Of the brothers for whom I owe.
Of the love we experience, and the boys we raise,
And especially the joy they bring at holidays.
Of all the grief, and pain I've felt since you left, sadly
Of the Lily given to me, while I was in my valley.
PMC
I Wanted to Write You a Letter
I wanted to write you a letter, but I forget the day I tried to do it.
I wanted to tell you all the things you have missed, but I'm afraid you may have already knew it.
Of the birth of my boys, the daughter who's finally on her way!
Of the wife who's heart is full of joy for a moment, and sorrow the rest of the day.
Of all the little successes at work and at school.
And of course the family's battle with flu.
Of busy nights going to school, or church or taking Jon to boy scouts.
Of dirty diapers, kids throwing up, and teething bouts.
I wanted to tell you all the things you have missed, but I'm afraid you may have already knew it.
Of the birth of my boys, the daughter who's finally on her way!
Of the wife who's heart is full of joy for a moment, and sorrow the rest of the day.
Of all the little successes at work and at school.
And of course the family's battle with flu.
Of busy nights going to school, or church or taking Jon to boy scouts.
Of dirty diapers, kids throwing up, and teething bouts.
I wanted to write you a letter to tell you who He is, and how he's made life better.
I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn't finish the letter.
Of the times I was in trouble, yet He's given me so many chances.
Of the beauty He has substituted for all the ashes.
Of the shoulder's He's given to me, to cry,
And the strength enough to say so many good-byes.
Of the joy I find when I think of you,
Of the sorrow, for which, I want to say adieu
I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn't finish the letter.
Of the times I was in trouble, yet He's given me so many chances.
Of the beauty He has substituted for all the ashes.
Of the shoulder's He's given to me, to cry,
And the strength enough to say so many good-byes.
Of the joy I find when I think of you,
Of the sorrow, for which, I want to say adieu
I wanted to write you a letter, and share with you what is above.
I wanted to tell you this,with all my love.
Of the peace I come to know,
Of the brothers for whom I owe.
Of the love we experience, and the boys we raise,
And especially the joy they bring at holidays.
Of all the grief, and pain I've felt since you left, sadly
Of the Lily given to me, while I was in my valley.
I wanted to tell you this,with all my love.
Of the peace I come to know,
Of the brothers for whom I owe.
Of the love we experience, and the boys we raise,
And especially the joy they bring at holidays.
Of all the grief, and pain I've felt since you left, sadly
Of the Lily given to me, while I was in my valley.
PMC
Monday, November 16, 2009
But I was Busy
I know you wanted me to call,
but I was so busy with me.
It wouldn't have taken much at all,
a birthday wish from me to thee.
How could I know you'd be gone so quick,
that I would not be able to say
(because now, myself, I kick)
a heartfelt I love you, and Happy Birthday.
-PMC
but I was so busy with me.
It wouldn't have taken much at all,
a birthday wish from me to thee.
How could I know you'd be gone so quick,
that I would not be able to say
(because now, myself, I kick)
a heartfelt I love you, and Happy Birthday.
-PMC
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Earmuff
Is he still bringing her up?
Isn't it time to let her go?
I can't stand the updates,
who cares about 7up?
Here's another one.
So dark and morbid,
When will he stop?
Talk about something fun.
Hasn't it been long enough?
Haven't the voices died down?
Can't stand reading these,
I need an earmuff.
Block.
- PMC
Isn't it time to let her go?
I can't stand the updates,
who cares about 7up?
Here's another one.
So dark and morbid,
When will he stop?
Talk about something fun.
Hasn't it been long enough?
Haven't the voices died down?
Can't stand reading these,
I need an earmuff.
Block.
- PMC
Body, Mind, & Will (Plot Analysis of "The Story of an Hour")
1 Human survival depends on an unbroken body, mind, and will. A broken body cannot continue to function very long after the breaking takes place. Although life may course, once the mind fractures, the quality of that existence diminishes to the point that is matters not if it continues. Finally, the human will is the helm of the soul, without the desire to continue, the soul become a wasteland of apathy. In “The Story of an Hour,” by Kate Chopin, the character Louise Mallard faces each part of her existence in her struggle to resolve life after believing her husband to be dead. Chopin uses the conflicts in Mallard’s hour alone to demonstrated how fragile the body, mind, and will are.
2 Chopin’s first conflict focuses on the fragility of the body, portrayed through the heart trouble Mrs. Louise Mallard, the main character, endures. During the narrative, Josephine, Mrs. Mallard’s sister, very carefully breaks the news of the premature death of Louise’s husband, for fear the report would be to overwhelming. While Louise mourns, Josephine compels her to come out of the bedroom so she does not make herself ill. The frailty of the main character’s heart becomes the antagonist of the struggle as she attempts to grasp a hold of her freedom. Immediately as the story-story begins the audience is informed, the heart of Mrs. Mallard is troubled. As the narrative concludes, the heart is the bringer of death. The exact time Mallard begins to experience heart trouble is never revealed. However, the inception of the conflict that ultimately results in death begins when Josephine communicates the calamity to her sister. The “veiled hints” and “broken sentences” are the beginning of Mallard’s demise. Complicating the struggle, is the brief elation the main character experiences when the idea of complete freedom envelopes her. As she loses herself to the dilution of freedom, Mallard begins to feel invulnerable to her illness. The idea of freely living for herself was the “elixir” of healing. Louise’s bold rebuke, “I am not making myself ill,” climaxes the conflict just as her fate is perched precariously on the edge of time. Fully disillusioned, the woman leaves the chamber of transfiguration, believing freedom has restored her health. In Mallard’s mind, the belief she was the “goddess of Victory.” The conflict’s end descends just as quickly as Mallard must have fallen from the stairs. Mr. Mallard is revealed alive, and the illusion of freedom quickly fades away taking with it the joy and power Louise had cultivated during her hour alone. The brute-force of fleeting freedom is enough to strip the last beat of the heart.
3 Chopin’s second conflict examines the brittleness of the mind. In the hour Louise Mallard spends locked in her room, she fearfully struggles within her mind with how to accept the death of Mr. Mallard, and the resulting life she will lead. Louise moves from great grief to elation (over her freedom), by allowing her mind to drift. The narrative reveals Mallard’s repression and resistance as the antagonist for which she, again the protagonist, struggles. The author personifies the antagonist by showing the reader how Mrs. Mallard first resists any intelligent thought, moves to physical resisting and fearing what was coming, to the final overtaking of Mallard’s mind with the idea of freedom. The struggle for Mallard’s mind begins shortly after she allows it to wonder outside the room into the open square outside the house. Almost as if attempting to dismiss the mind altogether, Mallard sits quietly staring into the blue sky. By allowing the “suspension of intelligent thought,” Louise opens her fragile mind to the “monstrous joy” of freedom. Initially resisting the notion - before even knowing what was being born in her mind- complicates the struggle. After moments of staring into the sky, the notion seems to being working its way into Mallard’s mind. Fearfully, and powerlessly, this protagonist is unable to maintain the fight. The conflict’s pinnacle summits when the fantasy of freedom and the prayer for an extended life overtake Louise’s mind. At the point in which Mallard allows herself to be possessed with the concept of freedom, she loses the battle. The only remaining event is the ultimate exorcism that awaits her.
4 Chopin’s third and final conflict is the battle of the will. Ultimately, Mallard’s mind and body are both in the state they are in due to the powerful will of society. Louise reveals the loathing she has for the belief that men and woman “have a right to impose a private will upon a fellow creature.” After her illumination, the will of those men and women emerges as Mallard’s final antagonist. Louise sees the enforcement of the will onto another as a crime, whether with kind or cruel intentions. She is relieved when the idea of complete freedom from another overtakes her. The author implies, throughout the story that Mallard struggles with accepting authority and submission, but never identifies the moment the struggle beings. The reader assumes Louise Mallard’s feelings have developed through the process of time, and marriage. The degree of contempt Mallard has for the “will of society” would indicate that, although she loved Mr. Mallard, she might have been a victim of oppression. Complicating the feelings toward the antagonist is the delusion of freedom, which Mallard has allowed to overtake her. The chants of freedom, allowing her “fancy” to have a “riot” continued to build the disillusion of a life without a willful force. The victory Louise believed to have obtained, distracted her from the reality that continued to be life. The climax of her struggle with the will of society comes when the “feverish triumph” forms in Mrs. Mallard’s eyes. Once the illusions have complete overtaken Mallard’s body, and mind, the victory she believes to have made over the societal will, is the final step into complete disillusionment. The peak has been reached and all that is left is the fall.
5 Life cannot continue in a person whose body, mind, and will are broken. Chopin shows us that Mrs. Mallard, full of the delusion of freedom from the bonds of marriage, cannot continue to exist in the reality she so vehemently resisted during her hour. As Louise descents the stairs, she fully allows the fantasy world to take her body, mind and will, leaving nothing when the site of Mr. Mallard materializes before her eyes. Lost to the fantasy world, but faced with reality, her will breaks, her mind fractured, and her body cannot continue, and death consumes her. Chopin’s narrative demonstrates to the reader the fragility of this triad in a powerful and provocative manner.
2 Chopin’s first conflict focuses on the fragility of the body, portrayed through the heart trouble Mrs. Louise Mallard, the main character, endures. During the narrative, Josephine, Mrs. Mallard’s sister, very carefully breaks the news of the premature death of Louise’s husband, for fear the report would be to overwhelming. While Louise mourns, Josephine compels her to come out of the bedroom so she does not make herself ill. The frailty of the main character’s heart becomes the antagonist of the struggle as she attempts to grasp a hold of her freedom. Immediately as the story-story begins the audience is informed, the heart of Mrs. Mallard is troubled. As the narrative concludes, the heart is the bringer of death. The exact time Mallard begins to experience heart trouble is never revealed. However, the inception of the conflict that ultimately results in death begins when Josephine communicates the calamity to her sister. The “veiled hints” and “broken sentences” are the beginning of Mallard’s demise. Complicating the struggle, is the brief elation the main character experiences when the idea of complete freedom envelopes her. As she loses herself to the dilution of freedom, Mallard begins to feel invulnerable to her illness. The idea of freely living for herself was the “elixir” of healing. Louise’s bold rebuke, “I am not making myself ill,” climaxes the conflict just as her fate is perched precariously on the edge of time. Fully disillusioned, the woman leaves the chamber of transfiguration, believing freedom has restored her health. In Mallard’s mind, the belief she was the “goddess of Victory.” The conflict’s end descends just as quickly as Mallard must have fallen from the stairs. Mr. Mallard is revealed alive, and the illusion of freedom quickly fades away taking with it the joy and power Louise had cultivated during her hour alone. The brute-force of fleeting freedom is enough to strip the last beat of the heart.
3 Chopin’s second conflict examines the brittleness of the mind. In the hour Louise Mallard spends locked in her room, she fearfully struggles within her mind with how to accept the death of Mr. Mallard, and the resulting life she will lead. Louise moves from great grief to elation (over her freedom), by allowing her mind to drift. The narrative reveals Mallard’s repression and resistance as the antagonist for which she, again the protagonist, struggles. The author personifies the antagonist by showing the reader how Mrs. Mallard first resists any intelligent thought, moves to physical resisting and fearing what was coming, to the final overtaking of Mallard’s mind with the idea of freedom. The struggle for Mallard’s mind begins shortly after she allows it to wonder outside the room into the open square outside the house. Almost as if attempting to dismiss the mind altogether, Mallard sits quietly staring into the blue sky. By allowing the “suspension of intelligent thought,” Louise opens her fragile mind to the “monstrous joy” of freedom. Initially resisting the notion - before even knowing what was being born in her mind- complicates the struggle. After moments of staring into the sky, the notion seems to being working its way into Mallard’s mind. Fearfully, and powerlessly, this protagonist is unable to maintain the fight. The conflict’s pinnacle summits when the fantasy of freedom and the prayer for an extended life overtake Louise’s mind. At the point in which Mallard allows herself to be possessed with the concept of freedom, she loses the battle. The only remaining event is the ultimate exorcism that awaits her.
4 Chopin’s third and final conflict is the battle of the will. Ultimately, Mallard’s mind and body are both in the state they are in due to the powerful will of society. Louise reveals the loathing she has for the belief that men and woman “have a right to impose a private will upon a fellow creature.” After her illumination, the will of those men and women emerges as Mallard’s final antagonist. Louise sees the enforcement of the will onto another as a crime, whether with kind or cruel intentions. She is relieved when the idea of complete freedom from another overtakes her. The author implies, throughout the story that Mallard struggles with accepting authority and submission, but never identifies the moment the struggle beings. The reader assumes Louise Mallard’s feelings have developed through the process of time, and marriage. The degree of contempt Mallard has for the “will of society” would indicate that, although she loved Mr. Mallard, she might have been a victim of oppression. Complicating the feelings toward the antagonist is the delusion of freedom, which Mallard has allowed to overtake her. The chants of freedom, allowing her “fancy” to have a “riot” continued to build the disillusion of a life without a willful force. The victory Louise believed to have obtained, distracted her from the reality that continued to be life. The climax of her struggle with the will of society comes when the “feverish triumph” forms in Mrs. Mallard’s eyes. Once the illusions have complete overtaken Mallard’s body, and mind, the victory she believes to have made over the societal will, is the final step into complete disillusionment. The peak has been reached and all that is left is the fall.
5 Life cannot continue in a person whose body, mind, and will are broken. Chopin shows us that Mrs. Mallard, full of the delusion of freedom from the bonds of marriage, cannot continue to exist in the reality she so vehemently resisted during her hour. As Louise descents the stairs, she fully allows the fantasy world to take her body, mind and will, leaving nothing when the site of Mr. Mallard materializes before her eyes. Lost to the fantasy world, but faced with reality, her will breaks, her mind fractured, and her body cannot continue, and death consumes her. Chopin’s narrative demonstrates to the reader the fragility of this triad in a powerful and provocative manner.
Monday, December 15, 2008
New Memories
Last week was interesting....
I spent almost 2 hours in my boss's office talking about Mom and how I was doing. I was having a tough week and did not quite know why.
I knew that earlier in the week I had a dream about Mom. We were in a different house, and her belongings were spread around. In the small room we were in, there was a couple bookshelves, and boxes full of her stuff. She was standing next to a fire place and I was packing some of her stuff up.
I stopped when I realized that she would be leaving and walked over to her. "You can leave yet it's not even March" I said, while I wrapped my arms around her neck and gave her a big hug. "I miss you" I finished.
I don't remember if she said anything, I think she might have said "I miss you too", but I realized that I was dreaming and woke up, and became choked up.
I miss her a lot.
The next night I had a dream that Barb (my step-mom who raised me for 11 years) was still alive but very sick. She and I talked, and at one point I asked her what her favorite thing about me was. She did answer but I don't remember what she said in the dream.... :-(
By the time I Wednesday rolled around I was feeling the blues. My manager had needed to talk to me for something unrelated so I met with her. Near the end of our meeting she told me that we were going to do a safety discussion next year on prescription drug abuse, which I had requested. So we got to talking and I told her a lot of what has happened over the last few months in the after math of Mom's death. There was times that it was hard to hold it together but I managed to tell her how I was feeling.
While talking to her about the dreams I realized something that I hadn't figured out yet. That the reason I was so bothered by it and why it was affecting me so great was because I never expected to have another memory of her.
I've always known I can look at pictures and videos of her, but I also realized, or thought, that once she was gone it was over...no more spending time with her, no more new memories. So to experience something new was a wonderful, yet sorrowful experience. I know it was just a dream but the emotions I felt during and after are real. The fact that I could hug her and tell her I miss her and have her respond was a blessing in sorts.
So although it was a tough few days last week, I'm glad for the new memories...
I spent almost 2 hours in my boss's office talking about Mom and how I was doing. I was having a tough week and did not quite know why.
I knew that earlier in the week I had a dream about Mom. We were in a different house, and her belongings were spread around. In the small room we were in, there was a couple bookshelves, and boxes full of her stuff. She was standing next to a fire place and I was packing some of her stuff up.
I stopped when I realized that she would be leaving and walked over to her. "You can leave yet it's not even March" I said, while I wrapped my arms around her neck and gave her a big hug. "I miss you" I finished.
I don't remember if she said anything, I think she might have said "I miss you too", but I realized that I was dreaming and woke up, and became choked up.
I miss her a lot.
The next night I had a dream that Barb (my step-mom who raised me for 11 years) was still alive but very sick. She and I talked, and at one point I asked her what her favorite thing about me was. She did answer but I don't remember what she said in the dream.... :-(
By the time I Wednesday rolled around I was feeling the blues. My manager had needed to talk to me for something unrelated so I met with her. Near the end of our meeting she told me that we were going to do a safety discussion next year on prescription drug abuse, which I had requested. So we got to talking and I told her a lot of what has happened over the last few months in the after math of Mom's death. There was times that it was hard to hold it together but I managed to tell her how I was feeling.
While talking to her about the dreams I realized something that I hadn't figured out yet. That the reason I was so bothered by it and why it was affecting me so great was because I never expected to have another memory of her.
I've always known I can look at pictures and videos of her, but I also realized, or thought, that once she was gone it was over...no more spending time with her, no more new memories. So to experience something new was a wonderful, yet sorrowful experience. I know it was just a dream but the emotions I felt during and after are real. The fact that I could hug her and tell her I miss her and have her respond was a blessing in sorts.
So although it was a tough few days last week, I'm glad for the new memories...
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Made It
Well, Thanksgiving is over without incident... I won't lie, I was worried, but I'll get to that in a second.
This week has been interesting... I spent two hours on the phone chatting with Pastor Bertram, welcomed a new member to the family, had a warrant sworn out for my arrest, spent Thanksgiving with the family, felt awful on Black Friday, and hadAlabama put a 6 year coming beat down on my Auburn Tigers. That's just the quick summary.
I knew when I texted Pastor my question I'd end up in a long conversation. We talked about a number of things but my concern was if he considered Mom's death when he told me months ago that I should be concerned about her mental health. I figured what his answer would be but I needed to make sure that I wasn't being naive when he and I spoke in the earlier part of the year. So just as I suspected, he didn't even think this would happen, he was concerned that she was moving in an unhealthy direction and that I (and the family) should not be surprised if it continued to get worse. A lot to digest, I know, I'm the one still chewing on it....
Monday, we welcomed Ethan to the family. Tommy & Ashley's new son. Of course, he couldn't just get here and be normal, but had to have some issues that are keeping him in the NICU at the hospital. Not to worry you too much, he's doing ok, just having some problems breathing when eating and the doctors want to continue to observe him. So despite coming in around Thanksgiving, Ethan did not join us at Tommy & Ashley's house.
Tuesday in preperation for college (which oh by the way, I'm starting Lawson State in January made possible by a grant from my Mother-in-law...thanks mom), I need to get my license renewed as it had expired. I knew that I had an unpaid ticket that needed to be taken care of before I could get it renewed. So I called the city and to my surprise a warrant had been issued...good thing I called first!
Wednesday was actually a very productive day at work, it looks like I'll be able to finish my goals by the end of the year!!!
Thursday came and I was reluctant to go to Tommy's & Ashley's house because my ex-step-father (Esf) was going to be there. Despite the fact I should be more forgiving I just can't bring myself to accept his role in my mother's death & funeral, I suppose it's to early. I wonder what kind of person that makes me to feel that way; I'm usually the one telling people to resolve their differences. I suppose I feel like I've tried unsuccessfully to resolve them but in the end you can't rationalize with the irrational. So I went to Thanksgiving, brought my family, and stayed clear of my Esf, ready to escape if need be. And to my surprise...nothing. What sweet relief.
It wasn't always like this you know. I once cared a great deal for my Esf, but as time went on I some how became his enemy. Accused of destroying his family, I brought an outside viewpoint that wasn't shared by the masses when I arrived here 12 years ago. One of rebellion, voicing my opinion when I saw and felt social & emotional injustice. I was impartial, critical of what I saw, and thought education in the motives of people was the answer.
My education was inncomplete, I admit. I wasn't always right, and I have no problem admitting it. But what I did learn, and wanted to share with my brothers was that when someone continually asks for something from you and doesn't give back --- it's called oppression. No matter what it is, emotionally, mentally, quality time, etc, if there is only one benefactor in a relationship, the relationship is unhealthy. I use this example, I ask my kids to get me drinks occationally from our refrigerator downstairs, this is only benefitting me. However, when we have dinner in the dining room, I will get my kids cups and pour them drinks. When a person expects only to BE SERVED by those around them, it becomes oppressive. In a relationship, when each person decides to SERVE EACHOTHER, only then can it become a healthy relationship. If only one person is being SERVED then it's not a relationship, but a dictatorship.
The second thing that I've learned and wanted to pass on to my brothers was that submission to authority is an act of YOUR will. It should not be done by force, or coercion, but because the submitter recognizes and respects the authority. That is the only way true submission can occur. If submission happens out of fear, or threat, it is undermined because the authority recognized that the submitter reluctantly submits. The submitter only submits because they've been (usually) emotionally, (sometimes) phiscially manipulated into submission which destroyes the ability for both the Authority and the Submitter to benefit from their relationship. This goes back to the first point I made which was that a relationship that only flows in one direction is not a relationship at all.
My Mother's death only seemed to illuminate my position.
Yet in someways, I feel more willing to serve. I don't see Jasmine's (or many other's) need for my time on technical issues as a drain, or abuse, I NOW see it was an opportunity to be useful to some I care deeply about.
With Mom, I was relucatant to serve because I felt the relationship was one direction (and at times it was), with Tom because through my own observation he oppressed people in the name of proving their love for him, with Jenn I was afraid that she didn't really love me, with Pastor I was afraid of being manipulated & controlled in the name of the Lord. Ultimately, if you boil all this down I was reluctant to serve people because I was afraid of being misused!
But something occured to me when Mom died and I stepped up and took care of the funeral....that our value to each other lies in making sure those who we love know that we love them.
I'm afraid my Mom felt unloved. I've read it over and over in her journals.
I've spend 10 years of ignoring my wife when she was sick because I was afraid that she was milking it to get me to do stuff. Only after Mom died did I realize that this is MY woman, the one that gave up a life so she could join me on mine, the mother of my children, the love of my life. If she wants me to baby her a little bit while she's sick then everything in me should want to make that happen, especially if it makes her feel just an ounce better. She works hard everyday to take care of me, her son's and herself. It's a sad thing to not give her what she needs in return.
I guess what I'm trying to say is when you spend soooo much time trying to prevent yourself from being misused, you end up misusing other people. Ultimately becoming what you've tried so hard not too.
And don't get me wrong I'm not saying to let people misuse you, only, recognize the pattern of behavior people have. If you are in a relationship were the other person is receiving ALL the benefit of the relationship, and you've tried to resolve it, it's time to cut ties. If you are the one being selfish, it's time to invest in the people around you. When people stop asking your for help it usually means you are using them too much, time to start offering your time...
So in the end, I've Made it through another week, but I haven't made it through the forest.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Lyrics to Jenn
If this keeps me away much longer
I dont know what I will do
You've got to understand its a hard life
That I'm going through
And when the night falls in around me
I dont think I'll make it through
I'll use your light to guide the way
Cause all I think about is you
And all these days I spend away
I'll make up for this I swear
I need your love to hold me up
When its all too much to bear
And when the night falls in around me
I dont think I'll make it through
I'll use your light to guide the way
Cause all I think about is you
(Taken from Landing in London, 3 Doors Down)
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