CorcoranP Blog

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2011-07-05T07:08:00.001-07:00

The Call

2010-01-19T09:19:00.001-08:00

I'm a poor author/blogger. I should write and post more, but the ideas swirling in my head rarely take time to stop long enough for me to write them down. I stay busy to avoid the unavoidable certainty of dwelling on past pain. When I do stop, I focus on what is serious rather than what is popular and funny. I question the readability and draw of the words I craft on paper or screen. My desire is that more people would be of my opinion, even when I hesitantly wait and hold back my ideas and thoughts. I an egotist, afraid of being alone in my narcissism, arrested by the threat of isolation, but still I hold and pause avoiding the eyes and attention of the audience.

I'm critical of others for doing what I am not, nay, I stand in the seat of judgement, secretly admiring the confidence of the individual to take a stand while quietly judging their message. Can anyone be right? Even as much as I'd like to believe I'm unaffected by the bias that so permeates the thoughts of those that surround me, I can not avoid the unquestionable truth - that I do not know, what I do not know. This, in and of itself, creates a dark cloud of confusion, impenetrable by thought and reason, preventing me or anyone from being truly right. The words of the holy scripture ring in my ears like a clanging cymbal: "now we see through a glass darkly."

And yet the response back, also from His Word, "how long halt ye between two opinions?" How does anyone fully rest upon an answer to any of life's most difficult questions? Is the message to the Laodiceans where my fate will rest also? - "So then because thou are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth" Revelation 3:16. Does my inability to rest upon a true answer, just as this unevenly yoked country yaws and pitches between Republican and Democrat, indict me? Is it possible that there is another answer? Like the father who's son was possessed with a dumb spirit responded when challenged by Jesus, "I believe; help thou mine unbelief", can I too respond? When it comes to matters of politics and faith, can I stand from the seat of apathy, uncertainty, and fear to strongly, confidently declare: "THIS IS THE TRUTH..."? No matter of the cost - of reputation, finance, friends, or family - will I stand?

I believe I can; but Lord help to my unbelief.

This is my, and this country's only indictment, that we sit idly by allowing others to control the outcome of our lives. We are sheep to the slater, and we must overcome selfishness, fear, and apathy if we are to avoid the dire consequences of our inaction. This is a call to arms! Prepare for the coming of the Lord, and you will be ready when he arrives at your doorstep, or when you arrive at His.

PMC

Rock Bottom

2009-12-07T15:44:00.001-08:00

He dines upon the bile of fun,
and begs salvation from his nearest son.

The slow death envelopes his only soul,
and threatens to take all control.

Desperate attempts to gain his freedom,
he calls for his family to need him.

The cold empty prick of the needle stops,
the chaos and pain of the world it unlocks.

The fire of the vile drink,
the family which will sever the link.

The key to his life's lamp, dim,
is the rest he must find in Him.

PMC

What Would You Have Me Write

2009-12-07T08:58:00.001-08:00

What would you have me write today?
And what, if anything, would you like it to say?
Would it be of love, sorrow, anger or war?
Would it even satisfy your hunger for more?

Will dark accounts of my angry past,
gratify your longing for my mind, last?
Or will you desire to hear my prose even more,
after your immersion into their meaning’s lore?

I write of love’s pain, and of sorrow’s joy,
you play with my mind as if they were a toy.
NO! I’ll write of the journey’s end,
when all relationships must begin to mend.

PMC

I Wanted to Write You a Letter

2009-12-04T10:22:00.001-08:00

I wanted to write you a letter, but I forget the day I tried to do it.
I wanted to tell you all the things you have missed, but I'm afraid you may have already knew it.
Of the birth of my boys, the daughter who's finally on her way!
Of the wife who's heart is full of joy for a moment, and sorrow the rest of the day.
Of all the little successes at work and at school.
And of course the family's battle with the flu.
Of busy nights going to school, or church or taking Jon to boy scouts.
Of dirty diapers, kids throwing up, and teething bouts.

I wanted to write you a letter to tell you who He is, and how he's made life better.
I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn't finish the letter.
Of the times I was in trouble, yet He's given me so many chances.
Of the beauty He has substituted for all the ashes.
Of the shoulder's He's given to me, to cry,
And the strength enough to say so many good-byes.
Of the joy I find when I think of you,
Of the sorrow, for which, I want to say adieu

I wanted to write you a letter, and share with you what is above.
I wanted to tell you this,with all my love.
Of the peace I come to know,
Of the brothers for whom I owe.
Of the love we experience, and the boys we raise,
And especially the joy they bring at holidays.
Of all the grief, and pain I've felt since you left, sadly
Of the Lily given to me, while I was in my valley.

PMC

I Wanted to Write You a Letter

2009-12-04T10:06:00.001-08:00

I wanted to write you a letter, but I forget the day I tried to do it.
I wanted to tell you all the things you have missed, but I'm afraid you may have already knew it.
Of the birth of my boys, the daughter who's finally on her way!
Of the wife who's heart is full of joy for a moment, and sorrow the rest of the day.
Of all the little successes at work and at school.
And of course the family's battle with flu.
Of busy nights going to school, or church or taking Jon to boy scouts.
Of dirty diapers, kids throwing up, and teething bouts.

PMC

But I was Busy

2009-11-16T09:57:00.001-08:00

I know you wanted me to call,
but I was so busy with me.
It wouldn't have taken much at all,
a birthday wish from me to thee.

How could I know you'd be gone so quick,
that I would not be able to say
(because now, myself, I kick)
a heartfelt I love you, and Happy Birthday.

-PMC

Earmuff

2009-11-14T22:26:00.001-08:00

Is he still bringing her up?
Isn't it time to let her go?
I can't stand the updates,
who cares about 7up?

Here's another one.
So dark and morbid,
When will he stop?
Talk about something fun.

Hasn't it been long enough?
Haven't the voices died down?
Can't stand reading these,
I need an earmuff.

Block.

- PMC

Body, Mind, & Will (Plot Analysis of "The Story of an Hour")

2009-11-14T21:28:00.001-08:00

1 Human survival depends on an unbroken body, mind, and will. A broken body cannot continue to function very long after the breaking takes place. Although life may course, once the mind fractures, the quality of that existence diminishes to the point that is matters not if it continues. Finally, the human will is the helm of the soul, without the desire to continue, the soul become a wasteland of apathy. In “The Story of an Hour,” by Kate Chopin, the character Louise Mallard faces each part of her existence in her struggle to resolve life after believing her husband to be dead. Chopin uses the conflicts in Mallard’s hour alone to demonstrated how fragile the body, mind, and will are.

2 Chopin’s first conflict focuses on the fragility of the body, portrayed through the heart trouble Mrs. Louise Mallard, the main character, endures. During the narrative, Josephine, Mrs. Mallard’s sister, very carefully breaks the news of the premature death of Louise’s husband, for fear the report would be to overwhelming. While Louise mourns, Josephine compels her to come out of the bedroom so she does not make herself ill. The frailty of the main character’s heart becomes the antagonist of the struggle as she attempts to grasp a hold of her freedom. Immediately as the story-story begins the audience is informed, the heart of Mrs. Mallard is troubled. As the narrative concludes, the heart is the bringer of death. The exact time Mallard begins to experience heart trouble is never revealed. However, the inception of the conflict that ultimately results in death begins when Josephine communicates the calamity to her sister. The “veiled hints” and “broken sentences” are the beginning of Mallard’s demise. Complicating the struggle, is the brief elation the main character experiences when the idea of complete freedom envelopes her. As she loses herself to the dilution of freedom, Mallard begins to feel invulnerable to her illness. The idea of freely living for herself was the “elixir” of healing. Louise’s bold rebuke, “I am not making myself ill,” climaxes the conflict just as her fate is perched precariously on the edge of time. Fully disillusioned, the woman leaves the chamber of transfiguration, believing freedom has restored her health. In Mallard’s mind, the belief she was the “goddess of Victory.” The conflict’s end descends just as quickly as Mallard must have fallen from the stairs. Mr. Mallard is revealed alive, and the illusion of freedom quickly fades away taking with it the joy and power Louise had cultivated during her hour alone. The brute-force of fleeting freedom is enough to strip the last beat of the heart.

3 Chopin’s second conflict examines the brittleness of the mind. In the hour Louise Mallard spends locked in her room, she fearfully struggles within her mind with how to accept the death of Mr. Mallard, and the resulting life she will lead. Louise moves from great grief to elation (over her freedom), by allowing her mind to drift. The narrative reveals Mallard’s repression and resistance as the antagonist for which she, again the protagonist, struggles. The author personifies the antagonist by showing the reader how Mrs. Mallard first resists any intelligent thought, moves to physical resisting and fearing what was coming, to the final overtaking of Mallard’s mind with the idea of freedom. The struggle for Mallard’s mind begins shortly after she allows it to wonder outside the room into the open square outside the house. Almost as if attempting to dismiss the mind altogether, Mallard sits quietly staring into the blue sky. By allowing the “suspension of intelligent thought,” Louise opens her fragile mind to the “monstrous joy” of freedom. Initially resisting the notion - before even knowing what was being born in her mind- complicates the struggle. After moments of staring into the sky, the notion seems to being working its way into Mallard’s mind. Fearfully, and powerlessly, this protagonist is unable to maintain the fight. The conflict’s pinnacle summits when the fantasy of freedom and the prayer for an extended life overtake Louise’s mind. At the point in which Mallard allows herself to be possessed with the concept of freedom, she loses the battle. The only remaining event is the ultimate exorcism that awaits her.

4 Chopin’s third and final conflict is the battle of the will. Ultimately, Mallard’s mind and body are both in the state they are in due to the powerful will of society. Louise reveals the loathing she has for the belief that men and woman “have a right to impose a private will upon a fellow creature.” After her illumination, the will of those men and women emerges as Mallard’s final antagonist. Louise sees the enforcement of the will onto another as a crime, whether with kind or cruel intentions. She is relieved when the idea of complete freedom from another overtakes her. The author implies, throughout the story that Mallard struggles with accepting authority and submission, but never identifies the moment the struggle beings. The reader assumes Louise Mallard’s feelings have developed through the process of time, and marriage. The degree of contempt Mallard has for the “will of society” would indicate that, although she loved Mr. Mallard, she might have been a victim of oppression. Complicating the feelings toward the antagonist is the delusion of freedom, which Mallard has allowed to overtake her. The chants of freedom, allowing her “fancy” to have a “riot” continued to build the disillusion of a life without a willful force. The victory Louise believed to have obtained, distracted her from the reality that continued to be life. The climax of her struggle with the will of society comes when the “feverish triumph” forms in Mrs. Mallard’s eyes. Once the illusions have complete overtaken Mallard’s body, and mind, the victory she believes to have made over the societal will, is the final step into complete disillusionment. The peak has been reached and all that is left is the fall.

5 Life cannot continue in a person whose body, mind, and will are broken. Chopin shows us that Mrs. Mallard, full of the delusion of freedom from the bonds of marriage, cannot continue to exist in the reality she so vehemently resisted during her hour. As Louise descents the stairs, she fully allows the fantasy world to take her body, mind and will, leaving nothing when the site of Mr. Mallard materializes before her eyes. Lost to the fantasy world, but faced with reality, her will breaks, her mind fractured, and her body cannot continue, and death consumes her. Chopin’s narrative demonstrates to the reader the fragility of this triad in a powerful and provocative manner.

New Memories

2008-12-15T06:47:00.000-08:00

Last week was interesting....

I spent almost 2 hours in my boss's office talking about Mom and how I was doing. I was having a tough week and did not quite know why.

I knew that earlier in the week I had a dream about Mom. We were in a different house, and her belongings were spread around. In the small room we were in, there was a couple bookshelves, and boxes full of her stuff. She was standing next to a fire place and I was packing some of her stuff up.

I stopped when I realized that she would be leaving and walked over to her. "You can leave yet it's not even March" I said, while I wrapped my arms around her neck and gave her a big hug. "I miss you" I finished.

I don't remember if she said anything, I think she might have said "I miss you too", but I realized that I was dreaming and woke up, and became choked up.

I miss her a lot.

The next night I had a dream that Barb (my step-mom who raised me for 11 years) was still alive but very sick. She and I talked, and at one point I asked her what her favorite thing about me was. She did answer but I don't remember what she said in the dream.... :-(

By the time I Wednesday rolled around I was feeling the blues. My manager had needed to talk to me for something unrelated so I met with her. Near the end of our meeting she told me that we were going to do a safety discussion next year on prescription drug abuse, which I had requested. So we got to talking and I told her a lot of what has happened over the last few months in the after math of Mom's death. There was times that it was hard to hold it together but I managed to tell her how I was feeling.

While talking to her about the dreams I realized something that I hadn't figured out yet. That the reason I was so bothered by it and why it was affecting me so great was because I never expected to have another memory of her.

I've always known I can look at pictures and videos of her, but I also realized, or thought, that once she was gone it was over...no more spending time with her, no more new memories. So to experience something new was a wonderful, yet sorrowful experience. I know it was just a dream but the emotions I felt during and after are real. The fact that I could hug her and tell her I miss her and have her respond was a blessing in sorts.

So although it was a tough few days last week, I'm glad for the new memories...

Made It

2008-11-29T20:51:00.000-08:00

Well, Thanksgiving is over without incident... I won't lie, I was worried, but I'll get to that in a second.

This week has been interesting... I spent two hours on the phone chatting with Pastor Bertram, welcomed a new member to the family, had a warrant sworn out for my arrest, spent Thanksgiving with the family, felt awful on Black Friday, and hadAlabama put a 6 year coming beat down on my Auburn Tigers. That's just the quick summary.

I knew when I texted Pastor my question I'd end up in a long conversation. We talked about a number of things but my concern was if he considered Mom's death when he told me months ago that I should be concerned about her mental health. I figured what his answer would be but I needed to make sure that I wasn't being naive when he and I spoke in the earlier part of the year. So just as I suspected, he didn't even think this would happen, he was concerned that she was moving in an unhealthy direction and that I (and the family) should not be surprised if it continued to get worse. A lot to digest, I know, I'm the one still chewing on it....

Monday, we welcomed Ethan to the family. Tommy & Ashley's new son. Of course, he couldn't just get here and be normal, but had to have some issues that are keeping him in the NICU at the hospital. Not to worry you too much, he's doing ok, just having some problems breathing when eating and the doctors want to continue to observe him. So despite coming in around Thanksgiving, Ethan did not join us at Tommy & Ashley's house.

Tuesday in preperation for college (which oh by the way, I'm starting Lawson State in January made possible by a grant from my Mother-in-law...thanks mom), I need to get my license renewed as it had expired. I knew that I had an unpaid ticket that needed to be taken care of before I could get it renewed. So I called the city and to my surprise a warrant had been issued...good thing I called first!

Wednesday was actually a very productive day at work, it looks like I'll be able to finish my goals by the end of the year!!!

Thursday came and I was reluctant to go to Tommy's & Ashley's house because my ex-step-father (Esf) was going to be there. Despite the fact I should be more forgiving I just can't bring myself to accept his role in my mother's death & funeral, I suppose it's to early. I wonder what kind of person that makes me to feel that way; I'm usually the one telling people to resolve their differences. I suppose I feel like I've tried unsuccessfully to resolve them but in the end you can't rationalize with the irrational. So I went to Thanksgiving, brought my family, and stayed clear of my Esf, ready to escape if need be. And to my surprise...nothing. What sweet relief.

It wasn't always like this you know. I once cared a great deal for my Esf, but as time went on I some how became his enemy. Accused of destroying his family, I brought an outside viewpoint that wasn't shared by the masses when I arrived here 12 years ago. One of rebellion, voicing my opinion when I saw and felt social & emotional injustice. I was impartial, critical of what I saw, and thought education in the motives of people was the answer.

My education was inncomplete, I admit. I wasn't always right, and I have no problem admitting it. But what I did learn, and wanted to share with my brothers was that when someone continually asks for something from you and doesn't give back --- it's called oppression. No matter what it is, emotionally, mentally, quality time, etc, if there is only one benefactor in a relationship, the relationship is unhealthy. I use this example, I ask my kids to get me drinks occationally from our refrigerator downstairs, this is only benefitting me. However, when we have dinner in the dining room, I will get my kids cups and pour them drinks. When a person expects only to BE SERVED by those around them, it becomes oppressive. In a relationship, when each person decides to SERVE EACHOTHER, only then can it become a healthy relationship. If only one person is being SERVED then it's not a relationship, but a dictatorship.

The second thing that I've learned and wanted to pass on to my brothers was that submission to authority is an act of YOUR will. It should not be done by force, or coercion, but because the submitter recognizes and respects the authority. That is the only way true submission can occur. If submission happens out of fear, or threat, it is undermined because the authority recognized that the submitter reluctantly submits. The submitter only submits because they've been (usually) emotionally, (sometimes) phiscially manipulated into submission which destroyes the ability for both the Authority and the Submitter to benefit from their relationship. This goes back to the first point I made which was that a relationship that only flows in one direction is not a relationship at all.

My Mother's death only seemed to illuminate my position.

Yet in someways, I feel more willing to serve. I don't see Jasmine's (or many other's) need for my time on technical issues as a drain, or abuse, I NOW see it was an opportunity to be useful to some I care deeply about.

With Mom, I was relucatant to serve because I felt the relationship was one direction (and at times it was), with Tom because through my own observation he oppressed people in the name of proving their love for him, with Jenn I was afraid that she didn't really love me, with Pastor I was afraid of being manipulated & controlled in the name of the Lord. Ultimately, if you boil all this down I was reluctant to serve people because I was afraid of being misused!

But something occured to me when Mom died and I stepped up and took care of the funeral....that our value to each other lies in making sure those who we love know that we love them.

I'm afraid my Mom felt unloved. I've read it over and over in her journals.

I've spend 10 years of ignoring my wife when she was sick because I was afraid that she was milking it to get me to do stuff. Only after Mom died did I realize that this is MY woman, the one that gave up a life so she could join me on mine, the mother of my children, the love of my life. If she wants me to baby her a little bit while she's sick then everything in me should want to make that happen, especially if it makes her feel just an ounce better. She works hard everyday to take care of me, her son's and herself. It's a sad thing to not give her what she needs in return.

I guess what I'm trying to say is when you spend soooo much time trying to prevent yourself from being misused, you end up misusing other people. Ultimately becoming what you've tried so hard not too.

And don't get me wrong I'm not saying to let people misuse you, only, recognize the pattern of behavior people have. If you are in a relationship were the other person is receiving ALL the benefit of the relationship, and you've tried to resolve it, it's time to cut ties. If you are the one being selfish, it's time to invest in the people around you. When people stop asking your for help it usually means you are using them too much, time to start offering your time...

So in the end, I've Made it through another week, but I haven't made it through the forest.

Lyrics to Jenn

2008-11-20T10:27:00.000-08:00

If this keeps me away much longer

I dont know what I will do

You've got to understand its a hard life

That I'm going through

And when the night falls in around me

I dont think I'll make it through

I'll use your light to guide the way

Cause all I think about is you

And all these days I spend away

I'll make up for this I swear

I need your love to hold me up

When its all too much to bear

And when the night falls in around me

I dont think I'll make it through

I'll use your light to guide the way

Cause all I think about is you

(Taken from Landing in London, 3 Doors Down)

She Is My...

2008-10-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

She is my silver lining

my life's direction

my motivation

my home caretaker

She is my children's mother

my brother's sister

my cousin's sister

my mother's daughter

She is my sunshine

my moon light

my closest companion

my confidence

She is my best friend

my favorite person

my girl

my love

She is my wife

My Help

2008-10-23T14:12:00.001-07:00

I've tried to be a rock for my family.

I've tried to be strong for those I love.

I did all I could to be the man those around me could lean on.

Did I succeed? I hope I have....

In everything I did, I pulled and wrestled within myself. I knew I must. At the same time, I needed help.

Psalm 121 says: "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD..."

Thursday after my mother died, I was dry, devoid of energy, emotion, & spirit. I knew when my help came, I would feel the refreshing release that I needed. There was so much to do, so I didn't bother looking, I knew it would arrive soon.

Sometime in the afternoon, I realized I hadn't called my Dad to tell me what happened. So I walked out onto my front porch, and reluctantly made the call. It was difficult, this was the man that fathered 4 children with my mother and even if their relationship was long over, there had to still be a strong attachment.

My voice quivered as I told him. I reached deep into myself to hold on to the little bit of strength I had left. Tears fell from my eyes. I told my father I'd give him some time and call him back. As we said our good-byes I turned around and my pastor, Bro. Bertram, was arriving at my house. The moment I had waited for had arrived. My help had come.

He stepped onto my porch and I burried my face into his chest and burst into tears. I couldn't hardly breath between the long sobs, and the taste of tears were salty in my mouth.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. I felt as if I could finally let go and didn't have to worry about falling. I was no longer relying on my strength to hold me together, I could let go of everything and still wouldn't be lost because he was there.

I cried for as long as I could. I sobbed for as long as by body would let me. And when I didn't have anything left, I realized my strength had been renewed.

I've realized since that moment, that through my Pastor, the Lord was holding me together.

The song I used in my mother's tribute says it best:

"There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome

And the grave is overwhelmed

The victory is won

He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when

He calls my name

No more sorrow, no more pain

I will rise on eagles' wings

Before my God fall on my knees And rise

I will rise"

Missing Her

2008-10-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

I've been concentrating on work today, doing a pretty good job focusing on coding. Coming back from using the bathroom, the thought I've wrestled with before hit me.

Sometimes it comes as a voice, other as an image, but the response is always the same... ball in the back of my throat, feeling of anxiety from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, then a sense of floating above myself... all leaving me wanting.

"...she's gone" the voice says. The image of Jennifer, phone to her ear, rushing through my red computer/media room making her way toward me materializes before my eyes.

I'm pulled back to that moment many weeks ago. I feel helpless to stop myself.

Jennifer was crying, I felt the rush of blood to my face, and the overwheming rush of emotions. I strained to compose myself. I never wanted to be with my Mom more then in the moment I heard she was gone.

After the thought comes, it seems to consume me until I do something about it. Most of the time it has been through writting. I have to do something to deal with it otherwise I push it away.

I've always pushed away ugly situations. I don't like to deal with stress, I prefer to let things handle themselves, especially when I can't do anything about it.

But than this is different.

I feel like if I push it aside than I'm pushing my mother aside. I have to face the fact she is gone, and that I miss her. If I try and forget than am I forgetting her? I think so.

I miss her.

The Forrest

2008-10-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has ever been on a plane flying over trees knows the wonderful awe of a forrest. They have such a life and great massiveness to them that becomes so obvious from the perch a plane afforts. You are able to see the forrest's borders, where the water flows in and out... its height... its width. The speed a which you traverse over them seem like a snails pase, only the knowledge you have tells otherwise.

Anyone who has ever been lost in a forrest knows the same wonderful awe mixed with fear and anxiety.

I woke up today just like everyother day, believing I was in full view of the breadth and width my forrest. A commanding understanding of what I've experienced well on my way to recovery. The "rock" of my family and friends, the place people can come to lean on in time of need.

What a funny thing perspective is.

The only thing that gives you understanding that you are not moving at a snails pace over the forrest is...knowledge. Knowledge that the plane is moving at hundreds of miles an hour. Knowledge that if you were traveling that slow, you would most certainly plumit from the sky like a hawk diving for its prey. Knowledge gives you a frame of reference, a perspective, that you missed prior to having the knowledge. Knowledge unlocks your full potential to understand the forrest you are in.

Interested in gaining new perspective on my forrest, I looked up grief on wikipedia. A single line made me understand that I've only just begun to walk through this forrest which has beset me.

"Feelings of unreality, depersonalization, withdrawal, and an anesthetizing of affect. The person feels unable to come to terms with what just occurred."

So fresh are the realities of my own withdrawal, and anesthetizing of my emotions that I wonder how I could have thought I was further on my way to recovery. Anesthetia is a insidious moster that tempts you to believe no pain exists when reality says great suffering is occuring. Shakled by its alure a person can be so caught up in the anesthetizing affect that they loose touch with reality.

The grief article states: "As an adult, the willingness to be open to grief is often diminished and a failure to accept and deal with loss will only result in further pain and suffering."

I could not possiblly fathon the pain of loosing my mother furthering. Even withdrawn and anesthetized, I know enough to feel the wonderful awe, fear and anxiety of further suffering. At all cost I must ensure that doesn't happen, to me, my wife, my children, my family.

Knowledge can be the bondage breaker, knowing that at any moment the moster stands ready to insert his needle of anesthetia into my arm ensures I will be aware to his temptation of dimished suffering. But oh what a temptation...

Unfortunatly, the problem with depending solely on knowledge is the matter of its incompleteness. I know I must withold from the monster, but I also know that for a small time he'll give me the illusion of healing. That is no small matter. Knowledge is not biased, it does not care about the state you are in, knowledge is, by its own definition, a matter of fact. It can only show you the trees, the forrest, give you understanding of the situation you are in. It does little in terms of helping you.

So what does that mean?

In the end... "from whence cometh my help"?

Déjà Vu

2008-10-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

Tuesday August 16, 2005 was a difficult day for me. After driving over a thousand miles a day earlier, I had had little rest to prepare me for the day. I was in or really around Atlantic City, New Jersey, at what was suppose to be one of the best cancer centers in the state. It was the day I lost my step-mother, Barb. She was a mother to me when mine was unavailable due to distance, and a failed relationship.

I struggled, the weeks after her death. I buried my feeling deep. I pushed the vulnerability, hurt and loss away. I didn't want to deal with the feelings, and for the 2 weeks I was in New Jersey, I was able to avoid most of the attacks my own emotions bombarded me with.

It was only when I walked into my church did the full range of emotional turmoil and hurt explode to the surface. I wasn't ready for the raw emotions that I felt only during service. During that time I often asked myself if what I was feeling healing or more hurting?? Why did I have to feel this way when I had perfected the escaping of my emotions during the week? I didn't have to worry or wrestle with them any other time, why did I feel compelled to feel the full brunt of the emotional war that was raging inside while at the one place that was suppose to be a sanctuary to me?

As more time passed, it was easier to be in church, the grief lessened, and soon the place I considered a sanctuary once again took on the natural characteristics of one. No longer was it a battlefield full of emotional landmines that once plagued me during the war in my mind & emotions. I never actually recognized the point in time when it stopped being a battlefield and started to be a sanctuary again. Little did I know then that the future would repeat itself.

Three years later, Wednesday September 17, 2008, was the day my mother died.

Friday, at my mother's wake, I walked around with my head spinning, I was shocked by how she looked, I was fustrated with my step-father, I was trying so hard to do everything I could to be a shield and a rock for my family and friends. I didn't cry, when I felt the rush of emotions building, forming in the back of my throat, I would push hard, blank my mind, and force myself to focus on what or who was in front of me. After all had left, and only a few remained in the sanctuary of my church, I turned, faced the front, and walked toward my mother. No longer could I distract myself with what was in front of me because what was in front of me was her. I felt the barriors I had build begin to crumb and the flow hit me... as if a dam had finally broke and the brutal force of water rushed me. I didn't want to feel this way... I had to find an escape...

Friday night I avoided the one task that I knew would drive me insanely heartbroken and full of grief...a slide show honoring my mother's memory. It as midnight when I started. For seven grueling hours, I sat at the computer organizing pictures into a story about my mother. As I place each one, I felt like my emotions clawed and ripped at my mind, standing at the precipice of grief, knowing that one more might send me over the edge. I couldn't built it like I normally did, watching the show over and over to make sure that I perfected it, I had to place a photo and move on to the next. Only, when I felt finished did I watch it completely for the first time. I broke, the flood of emotion was too much, I didn't want to watch it, I feared that I had done to well, I knew no one could watch it without feeling the rush of grief. When I showed my brothers for the first time, I had to turn away, but stayed near and still could not make it through without feeling compelled to escape from the emotional bondage I was in.

Only in the numbness of the first week after her funeral did I find the escape a comfortable replacement for living abundantly. I knew it was trickery, but I was happy for the receding of the waters. I was content being completely numb. I didn't have to face the affliction death place on the survivors.

It was soon after a sense of deja vu began to plagued me. It started when I entered into each church service. The numbness would diminish, as I entered into the sanctuary, and the singing would start.

The first time it hit me was when they sang a particular favorite of my Mom's. I could see her in my mind singing, praising the Lord, I closed my eyes to listen for her voice, but it didn't come. I strained harder, trying to invent her particual voice in praise, but never would it sound. Only her image in my mind. I realized again she was gone, never would I be able to hear her again. As everyone happily enjoyed the Lord presence, I felt as if a dark cloud had formed over me, and I had to escape, so I walked out of the sanctuary and cried, looking for the comfort numbness offered. I realized the same things that I faced in service when Barb died, would again beset on me.

Sunday morning (Oct 5th) was no different, I wanted to stay home, in bed... I stayed up purposely the night before so I would be tired. I hoped I could elude my wife's protests, but unfortunatly, my wife had enough where-with-all to call our Pastor which was enough to get me going. It was, as I expected, a burden to bear. I prefered the avoidence of grief but when I was there, I could feel it completely, but something else also....

Sometimes, when everything is turned upside-down and chaos reigns, a calm soothing touch or a refreshing sanctuary is the foreign place that makes you feel like you betray the object of grief, which only makes you more aware of the grief you are feeling. The sharp contrast of what is around you and what you are feeling inside. It's the one place that gives you hope that there will be a time that the seas will be calm, the storm no where in sight, but forces you to recognize that the storm rages, captain & crew below deck ignoring the tempest outside.

I know, time will diminish what I feel, I know that a part of me is joyful that Mom made it home, yet another part knows I'll never hear her voice again, never another "I love you", never another word of encouragement, email, or letter. My children robbed of the love of their Nana, before they really ever got to know her.

Yet "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills"...

The Day My Mother Died

2008-09-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

Andrew called me a little after 5 Wednesday September 17th, but I didn't answer my phone. It was up stairs because Jenn had needed it earlier in the day. It was quiet downstairs as I put the finishing touches on an email for work.

I knew when Jennifer burst through the door, phone on her ear, that something was wrong...T Tears were rolling down her face, there was a nervous edge in her voice, and a urgency in stride. My mind instantly went to my boys, but before my mind had a chance to evaluate all the possibilities, she blurted out "Baby, your Mom is gone."

Within the same instant I was dizzy... I manged a "what?!??!" but that was all. I felt as if I was on some kind of drug that was messing with my head. I jumped up and knew I needed to get over to my Mom's house. There were so many question, how did this happen, why?, where was she? , was she alone? I felt as if all the answers were completely elusive, as if I was grasping at fireflies but not catching any.

I gathered what I needed and ran to the car, Jenn was in the driver's seat but I made her get up... at this moment I needed something I could control and the van was the nearest thing to me. I raced over to my Mother's house ignoring everything around me. I could hear the pumping of my heart in my ears, and the gnawing well of emotion that I resolved to keep a lid on. This couldn't be happening...

I pulled up to the house, and shifted into park. Jennifer, leaped from the van, I felt cautious and hesitant as I got out...what was I going into? Was I ready for what I would find? I entered the front door, no one was there, so I made my way upstairs. I walked into my Mother's room where I found the EMT, my step-father, and Jenn waiting. On the floor at the foot of the bed my Mother laid, covered with a blanket, in a praying position -- devastation came over me.

Then in then next moment, desperation to know what happened.

"Where's Drew?" I asked,

"He's in the bathroom...", someone answered

I looked around... I needed to find something to tell me what went on, I needed to command, to be in control, to have all the answers, but none came. My head was still swimming in emotions, I didn't know what to do with them. The next moments blurred by, asking medical workers what they knew, talking to the police, and waiting for the rest of my brothers to get there.

The next of them to arrive was Ed, he was so inconsolable in that moment, screaming, sobbing, and complete distraught. I felt helpless to comfort him, I wanted to reach out and hold him up, but I feared that I would not be able to stand myself. He bent over her and cried, heart broken.

As moments passed, I went into administration mode, someone had to ask the questions, someone had to gather the information. It was only after most of the people had left my mother's room, I asked everyone to leave and give me a second with her alone. I hoped it wasn't a problem, and everyone in the room complied.

I knelt down over my Mom, placed my hand on her head.

"I love you Mom" I managed to say as the first tears began rolling down my face and the well of emotion, that I had so calmly suppressed, erupted.

"I'm going to miss you. I know you named me Peter for a reason, I hope I can live up to it", I said.

I couldn't think of anything else to say so I began to pray...

"Lord, please take my mom, forgive her of any of her sins. Give me strength to help my family get through the next couple days, and weeks, and years... help me to live up to the name she gave me.", I prayed in the Spirit for a few more moments, and then wept.

I pulled myself together and prepared for the marathon that was to be this past week. I opened the door again to allow others to come back in while I made my way down stairs to work out more details.

Eventually, Tommy, the youngest brother, and Ashley his wife arrived. He broke down immediately and would not leave Mom's side. I tried to reach out to him and comfort him but there was none to be had. How could I comfort him, when it eluded me at every turn?

We waited a long time, until the coroner arrived and asked us to leave the room. We complied and I went out and waited in my van with Tommy and Ed.

It wasn't until after the coroner left and it had gotten dark that Tristan & Natalie, and Adam arrived. Tommy, Ed, Drew & I had all gotten into my van to go get something to drink when we saw Tristan's car. We made a quick U turn and pulled in behind him.

He got out and we all went to him and hugged him. The five of her sons stood out in front of her house in a circle hugged each-other and cried... the sorrow overwhelming. In a few moments Adam was there with his arms around me and Tommy. I broke the circle and pulled him in, that instant, I realized how the six of us were incomplete without Matt. He had been out on a cruise ship for many days and wouldn't arrive back until the next day. I felt disappointment, because I knew he would need us, and we him.

The rest of the evening was a blur. The attempt to adjust, the unanswered questions, the well of emotions and the things that would need to be done filled our heads. It would be a restless night but time didn't stop for us to be trapped in that moment, and at last The Day My Mother Died ended.

Lucas learns to listen

2008-06-02T08:54:00.001-07:00

Lucas learns to listen
Originally uploaded by corcoranp

Nana taught Lucas to whistle!

How McDonalds rolls

2008-05-23T13:06:00.001-07:00

How McDonalds rolls
Originally uploaded by corcoranp

Milo's Mega Star

2008-05-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

Milo's is doing a contest similar to American Idol. The winner gets $5000 and the opportunity to record a commercial for them. My sister-in-law has signed up and is now a finalist. She need some help to win.

To watch her audition video check it out here:
Jasmine's Audition #590

To vote check out: http://www.cbs42.com/wakeup scroll to the middle of the page and vote for #590!

Waiting for jenn

2008-05-19T17:53:00.001-07:00

Waiting for jenn
Originally uploaded by corcoranp

I'm looking out over the even numbered gates at concourse C. The
furtherest gate is where jenn's plane will be pulling in. It's been a
fun weekend just me and the kids, they've been great and I've really
enjoyed getting some one in three time in.

I'm a little tired now and but excited about having Jenn back home!
Tomorrow I'll be back at work so it'll be the same ol same ol.

Fuel Economy

2008-05-16T07:39:00.001-07:00

Fuel Economy
Originally uploaded by corcoran

Gas prices are killing most of the United States right now. In my neck of the woods it at least is around $3.70 which I'm pretty sure is about average. I've been exploring ways to reduce my gas consumption to save a little money so I can at least buy some milk and eggs...

So I decided to do a little experiment today. I've been driving my van around for a number of months now and it has a Fuel Economy gauge on it (as you can see). Up until this morning it indicated that I was getting about 19mpg. This morning I decided to drive on the interstate 3-4 miles OVER the posted speed limit except in areas where it is 70mph, where I would drive 4-5 UNDER the limit. On side roads, I would not punch the gas but use it sparingly to accelerate to speed.

As you can see the results to the right, after driving the 12.6 miles to work, I was able to achieve 27.7mpg. I did some math and figured after 24 weeks by driving conservatively, I could save almost $100.00 in gas!

What was interesting about my drive to work, was that although I was driving 3-4 mph OVER the limit, the people around me were literally FLYING by me. [Editorial Note: I'm a courteous drive, I did not drive in the fast lane, I stated to the right] The speed limit in my area changes 2 times during my commute to work. As you get closer to the city the speed limit goes from 70 to 60mph, then drops again from 60mpg to 50mph. I was amazed at home fast the people around were going! Based on my previous habits and gauging them, I figured it was 20-30mph OVER the posted limit! Aside from safety & police, the gas I've been wasting and that most people are wasting is INSANE!

No wonder we are paying these kinds of prices! It's a GLUTTONY TAX!

Now I don't agree with the big profits Big Oil is raking in, and I would boycott who ever I needed to if it meant lower prices, but when it all comes down to it, it's my fault for the way things are right now! Just take your foot off the pedal and save some money...

So what am I going to do with that $100 bucks you ask? I'll tell you in 6 months ;-)

Texas Bible College Visits The Sanctuary

2008-05-13T18:48:00.001-07:00

Texas Bible College Visits The Sanctuary
Originally uploaded by corcoranp

Texas Bible College came to the Sanctuary on Tuesday May 13th 2008.
Their music was amazing and spirit filled. Brother Lawrence played
the sax, which was rather incredible.

Breakfast in Bed

2008-05-11T05:25:00.001-07:00

Breakfast in Bed
Originally uploaded by corcoranp

Jenn got breakfast in on mother's day served by 3 little monkeys.

Thumbs up

2008-05-09T09:12:00.001-07:00

Thumbs up
Originally uploaded by corcoranp

Lucas gives me the thumbs up while we eat at IHOP!

Peter M Corcoran

A Little More

2008-04-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

I've encouraged Drew to setup a blog so he can discuss his musings on the things he's interested in. Mostly comics, movies & TV shows. It ought to be interesting and I'll provide a link to it once I've got it setup. I doubt it will help since noone actually has read my blog...

Oh and I've started reading "1984". I've been feeling like there needs to be a revolution and figured I'd start with reading some classics.

DOWN WITH BIG BROTHER!

1 Quarter

2008-04-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

One quarter and One month has passed since I last wrote on this blog...OK not really. I do have 2 posts in "draft". One catalogs my family's excursion to Florida over Christmas, the other is a rant about all sorts of stuff that I removed because I didn't certain people to discover it.

Anyway, I wish the economy was a bit better, but then again I think everyone does, and I think that gas prices are rediculous! There you go, a little ranting for you.

Jon, is standing in front of me with his "Jon" t-shirt on, telling me how good he looks. I must agree he's a sharp looking kid.

Anyway, life is good I guess. I need money so if anyone needs some software developed on the Windows .Net platform let me know!

Gotta Go.

30 Years

2007-12-01T23:13:00.000-08:00

I went out with my bros this evening to celebrate the fact I am now no longer in my twenties. Tommy, Drew, Ed and I went bowling at the Pelhem bowling alley on highway 119. I do have to say, I had a really good time. I was ahead for the evening until Ed bowled a 196! He really did a create job, finished the game with 5 straight strikes!

Afterward, we went to Applebees, and watched as Oklahoma & Pittsberg upset West Virginia and Missiouri in college football.

Good Tidings!

2007-11-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays!

Things are going well in the Corcoran house! A bunch of changes have taken place - good changes.

Zachary Alexander was born on October 9th. He's done very well in the 7 weeks he's been around. He experienced the same issues that Lucas and Jonathan had when they were baby (thrush), but other than that he's been growing like a weed!

(More pictures are at: http://picasaweb.google.com/pmcorcor/ZacharyAlexander)

Although the Mirage issue hasn't been resolved, we did purchase a new van for all these boys we've got. While Jenn was in the hospital after Zac was born and I went out looking for a new vehicle and found this 2004 Nissan Quest. After negotiating a deal on it, I decided to buy it and give it to Jenn as an anniversary present (our anniversary is October 10th). She was nervous because we are stepping out in faith on this investment, but absolutely loves it.

Thanksgiving was a blast this year. Tim (Jenn's brother) and his fiancee Sam came to the house for the first time, and we enjoyed having them here. My family joined us and we had a last minute guest name Jason. We had a fried turkey and baked turkey which both were delicious! I had lost over 45lbs since July up until that week, but it was worth it.

Our Boys

See me (corcoranp) other places on the web...

Just when you thought...

2007-09-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

...it couldn't get any worse.

So the Mirage is pretty much gone. Ca-put. So Jenn and I were down to one car, boo-who, I know. But about a week and a half a go, Jenn is driving to church from work and our Taurus breaks down. Can you image! Almost 9 months pregnant and she's sitting on the side of the road at 8:00PM on I459! What a mess!

So, we decide to get it towed, and I figured the Ford dealer would be the best place, so there it went ($65). Get to the Ford place, find out that we can charge the bill to the dealership and so I did since I didn't have cash on me.

After the dealer looks at it, they aren't that much help. They do tell me the water pump pulley is part of the problem but there might be cylinder head/gasket issues... "might be". So they decided that there "might be" analysis is worth about $90, plus the tow which now is $80, and I could have them start working on it but the base price would START at $1700.00! By this time I've already rented a car so that me and my family can get around ($40 per day), and decide that I could handle replacing the water pump myself so for $60 more dollars I have the car towed home (total out of pocket: $570 including car rental (which I wouldn't have needed if I had the Mirage)).

So that is what I do, fix it myself! $20 for the book, $40 for a water pump, 6 hours later.. my car has a new water pump! ($630)

After all that I'm still having engine problems. (sputtering, check engine light...)

I take it to Express Oil to find out why the check engine light is on. Cylinder 1 miss firing... could have blown head gasket or cracked cylinder head... ($50 for Express to give me more detailed explanation then Ford Dealership ($680)

So now what are my options??? Sell it on Ebay, try and fix it myself (more $$), try and go car shopping??

I wish I knew.

Mirage

2007-08-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

Saturday evening as I drove home from helping Tommy move, I two turns from my house but I was rear-ended!

I was on Pleasant Grove road about to make a left turn onto 13th Place. A car was coming from the opposite direction, so I had to stop and wait. I looked up in my rearview mirror - force of habit - and saw a Ford Ranger truck speeding toward me. From my calculations it didn't have enough time to stop.

My first reaction was to slam my breaks (even though I was already stopped), I guess I put myself in her shoes and did what she should have. A split second later I moved my foot to try and accelerate away. By the time I had by foot on the accelerator, she had already hit me once. I felt my seat go back, then was hit again from the rear. We drifted a few feet before I realized the car was still running and in gear.

I was still dazed, when I looked over to my brother (who had no warning audio or visually) and asked him if he was ok. His glasses weren't on his face and he started to look for them. A lady that lived on the corner of the street I was turning down was running toward our car asking if we were ok, and talking on the phone to the police.

As I started to absorb what had just happened, I asked myself if I had my signal on, I looked down and it was still blinking, I turned to my brother and showed him. After a few seconds, I managed to open the door and get out of the car. I walked toward the truck that hit me and a lady was sitting there, obviously in some pain, talking on her cell phone. She said she was sorry and that her foot slipped off her brake, and that this was the first time she was in an accident. I turned to the lady who had originally asked if I was ok, pointed to the phone she had and asked if she had called the police.

By this time, Drew had gotten out of the car and found his glasses. He walked toward me holding his back and said that it, and his neck hurt.

By this time the police had shown up and started to work the accident, getting my license and insurance card. He asked if we were ok, and I said yes, just a little neck and back pain.

After a few moments an ambulance and fire truck showed up (the lady that called the police had requested an ambulance too). The EMS people started talking to the lady that hit me first. She had hurt her ankle and was probably in shock too. They ended up loading her into the ambulance and taking her to the hospital.

After talking to Drew (who didn't want to ride in an ambulance or go to the hospital for that matter), I finally convinced him to get checked out. So the EMS people took our information and advised up to go get checked out.

During that time, the tow truck had come and started loading my car up, and I removed what I need from the car.

After the police and EMS were through with us, we walked the rest of the way to my house.

One weird thing that bothers me... I put my car insurance cards back in the glove box after I showed them to the police. When I cleaned the car out yesterday they were gone.

Oh well, must have been a mirage...

Fraud Calls

2007-07-10T14:47:00.001-07:00

Today I've received 3 phone calls from people claiming they can help me with my mortgage. The last call I got was from 7035476545 (703-547-6545). The questions start off as very generic.
- "Are you Mr. Smith?"
- "Are you owner of this house"
- "Is this xxx-xxx-xxxx phone number"

After calling the number back I discovered from the message that this was attempted fraud.

The next time I get a call, I'm going to have some fun and mess with these people.

REMEMBER: NEVER GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION OVER THE PHONE.

A night at the hotel

2007-07-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

After a long vacation in New Jersey we are finally on our way home. We are staying Durham, NC at a Howard Johnsons. After a 10 hour drive (which should have been 8) we finally got here!

Moon over NJ

2007-06-29T20:53:00.001-07:00

I've finally figured out how to take a good moon picture, and having a 200mm lens helped too.

$111.73 for a Large Papa Johns Pizza

2007-05-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

I love Papa John's Pizza! I think it tastes great, and have never been disappointed by one. That being said, I don't think a $11.73 pizza should cost over a hundred dollars, but that is how much I paid within the last 2 weeks for one...

About 2 weeks ago (Wed, May 9th) my wife was feeling ill and so we decided to order a pizza, of course my vote is always Papa John's. So we ordered the pizza and decided to pay the $11.73 with a check. The pizza was good and we went on with our lives.

Through a series of unfortunate events (and personal oversight by me), we did not have enough money in that particular checking account to cover the check. --oops. With the Non-sufficient fund fee the new cost: $46.73. So I made a mistake and accepted the consequence.

About a week later I received a letter from Papa John's asking for their customary $30.00 bounced check fee. I was irritated, but mostly at myself for bouncing a check. I also noticed that they had represented the check again for payment and it went through fine. Well, I figured I'd pay the $30.00 the next time I got paid. I didn't think it would be a big deal, and didn't think the pizza was worth $76.73.

So being careful not to bounce any checks/debit card purchases before I got paid again, I was careful to keep track of my balance (which I got down to about $5.00, stupid gas prices). When I got paid today I checked my balance to make sure everything was good and noticed I was about $60.00 negative before my direct deposit!??!!! So I looked at what caused the problems and noticed $30.00 had been electronically debited from my account, and because I had a $5.00 balance I was hit with another $35.00 NSF charge.

New price of pizza: $111.73!

So here is the kicker. The image on the right is a copy of the "check" submitted for payment. Where MY signature is suppose to be is PAPA JOHN'S #126 is authorized signature for Corcoran, Peter!!!! Not having talked to Papa John's and only receiving a letter from them a week prior, they decide since they have my checking account and routing number that they will just take the returned check fee!!!!

It is truly sad.... I love Papa John's Pizza, but I don't know if I can be a customer of theirs if they are going to participate in these kinds of practices.

To end on a happier note, where one huge corporate conglomerate screws up, another shows up to help. I talked to Wachovia Bank, (and I'm not a fan of banks and the billions they rake in from Overdraft Protection fee but let not get into that) and they were very helpful! I talked to a couple different people, all of which were ready to listen and help resolve my problem! Now having worked in a Help Desk (and still do but I don't take calls), I know they kinds of sweatshops that are run and have been a victim many times of a disgruntled Help Desk/Customer Service Agent who doesn't view me as a person but as a call statistic. So to receive a superior level of customer service (from a BANK no less) is, to me, a breath of fresh air.

So having paid $111.73 for 1 large pizza, at least the bank is going to refund some of the NSF/Overdraft fees. In addition, they've provided me with a form to dispute the an automatic clearing house (ACH) withdrawal. Thanks Wachovia!

Welcome Back

2007-02-18T22:25:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm trying to get my online stuff going again. It's been fun so far. I think the wife and the kids wish I was back from my online travels, but i have a few more places that I need to go.

Here are my links:

http://www.myspace.com/corcoranp
http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=corcoranp
http://www.everyonesconnected.com/Browse/?ID=390501
http://picasaweb.google.com/pmcorcor

If you need to know anything else try:
http://www.google.com/search?source=ig&hl=en&q=corcoranp

This includes posts on Slashdot, Forwardgarden, etc.

Peter Corcoran in Google

2005-10-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

Well actually just Corcoran in Google. How do I raise the rank of my site in Google?

It's http://www.corcoranp.com: Corcoran